To My Daughter 4 Years After You Left This Life

Dear Madison,

I spent so much time over the past four years in fear and anticipation, not knowing what the next year would bring, not knowing what this day would be like as it quickly approaches, marking another year in a timeline that should never exist.

Grief, as I have come to realize, is the great unknown. It strikes at times when I least expect. The velocity of the strike varies in intensity. Sometimes it’s a great dark storm that’s terrifying and causes me to dive under the covers of my bed to hide, and sometimes it’s gentle like a spring rain, and I can still function and maybe even manage a smile.

I want to thank you, Madison. Thank you for the times you visit me in my dreams. Dreams I have come to cherish, hate to wake from, and yearn for more. I know that if you came on demand, I would never leave my bed, as I would spend my life waiting for the next visit. I would never truly live. Thank you for knowing when I need you the most and for having the courage to stand by and force me to carry on.

Thank you for the little signs, whether it be a butterfly, a cardinal, angel numbers, or “Break My Stride” playing on the radio. These moments bring a smile to my face, tiny little glimpses throughout the day that make me feel your presence and remind me that you are not far away. Heaven is so much closer than we realize.

Thank you for giving me the strength to carry the load of this broken heart, which can be so very heavy at times, often more burdensome than I think I can bear.

I’m grateful for the parts of you that carry on through your siblings. Your beautiful eyes that I see when I look at Joe, your most amazing freckles that adorn his and Bonz’s faces, your “blonde” moments, and mispronunciations of words that carry on through Mary, your beautiful smile that I see on Nick’s face, and your determined and loving heart that beams from Olivia’s chest. They all carry the most beautiful pieces of you, their loving and amazing big sister. I have no doubt that you watch over them with the same love and care, forever their special guardian angel.

Thank you for the thoughts that enter my mind when I talk to you throughout the day or when I sit at your niche, arranging your flowers, saying hello, or simply praying.

I’m grateful for one thought in particular that I had recently while sitting at your niche. I was “talking” to you about Jonny’s birthday that was quickly approaching and wondering what birthday celebrations are like in Heaven. And something occurred to me.

When conceived, there is a burst of light, and life begins. Then we are born into light as we leave the protective wombs of our mothers. When we die, there is light, and we enter into the eternal light of Heaven. That’s when I realized the answer to my question……the day we die while marked with sadness here in this life is celebrated more than a birthday in death because we are born into internal life. It was in this moment, while having this thought, that I realized that this anniversary… this year, every year on December 4th, it’s not to be marked with sadness and grief, for it’s your birthday in Heaven. That brings me joy on a day that is often overshadowed with great sorrow. I can’t promise it will feel like this every single time but for today, today I will allow myself to experience joy for the first time in four years of this hell, knowing that the sadness and grief is limited to those of us who are till grounded to this life, but when we die, we too will know and celebrate this greatest of gifts with you and God. I can’t think of a greater gift than that.

Thank you, Madison. I love you. I miss you with all my being, and I will continue to carry your light and memory till my “birthday” 💕. Today I will celebrate you.